A Spectacle in Spectacles

I’m writing this in a state of panic.

My contacts are stuck! I’ve been trying to get them out for ages but the @#!!$^^ things just won’t come out of my eyes!

I’ve called my contact lens experts for advice, the experts being my friends in Glasgow and Minnesota, because when I called my optician he did nothing to make me feel better about the situation; he always acts like it’s no big deal and its very annoying. He doesn’t wear contacts so what does he know about the panic of having foreign objects glued to your pupils?

It’s ridiculous that I have to call halfway around the world for reassurance.

This contacts-stuck-in-my-eye incident has only happened once before and when it did I went from being irritated that the lenses wouldn’t slide out, to being anxious that they clung to my eyes like leeches to finally ending up very afraid. I remembered all the small print about ‘infections’ and ‘eye ulcers’ and really worked myself up.
I called my optician and yelled down the phone about the strange lens solution he had recommended to me in lieu of my regular brand. “It’s that funny Russian lens solution!” I screamed. “I want my money back!” He assured me they would come out “at some point” and calmly hung up.

I swore NEVER to wear contacts again when they finally slid out after several gallons of tears. I wore glasses to work the next day and several colleagues stopped and stared in surprise because I’d never worn them to the office in my five years there.
Predictably, some crowded around me and I got all the ‘spectacle in spectacles’ comments: “You look like a secretary/librarian/teacher” “You look so serious” and “You look more intelligent.”
In other words, without my glasses I look less intelligent? More or less intelligent than what, anyway? What is the benchmark for measuring bespectacled intelligence? Why am I asking all these questions??

Then there was the very rude debate about whether I looked better with or without my glasses. It was rude not only because it was being discussed in my presence, but because a couple of times I was asked to “turn this way” and “let’s see the other side” so they could see my profile and reach a decision.

The very next day I went back to wearing my contacts because I didn’t want to look like a secretary/librarian/teacher, didn’t want to look so serious and wanted to hide my intelligence. Actually that’s not it, I’m just vain.

When my friend T got LASIK surgery done a few years ago, I remember thinking she was brave. And crazy. Now with my contacts rebelling I just searched online for details; maybe LASIK isn’t such a bad idea afterall. My friend in Glasgow told me that her contacts got stuck in her eyes just last night, told me what to do and generally calmed me down. So I’m here counting the minutes til I try to pluck them out again.

So it’s glasses tomorrow then.

PS: there's a saying that 'guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses'. Let's see how true that is, tomorrow