Friendly Friday Flops….

Exactly a week ago we test ran our ‘Friendly Friday.’

‘We’ refers to a group of colleagues/friends who sit around me at work - E, D, Big E and Y (of chicken wings fame, June 18th & 19th posts)

We’re all quite close and yet - despite our bond - recently noticed that over the past few months we’ve become increasingly rude, sarcastic and antagonistic towards each other.

Not in a malicious way, just in playful Naija fashion. For instance:

“Come and look at this report”
“Why?”
“Because it’s important”
“So?”
“Come on come here”
“Gerrout”

The person would eventually wander over to look at the report, but not before being impossibly impolite.

Or:

“Pass me that folder”
“Do I look like your houseboy?”
“Gimme the folder my friend.”
“You’re mad”
“You dey craze”

The guys were more badly behaved than us chicks. D and I weren’t as rude but we realised that we had become more aggressive and insensitive just from hanging around them.

“Where’s my Maroon 5 CD?”
“You mean your pirated Maroon 5 CD? Please be specific.”

It was getting too much so E & Y decided that last week Friday (November 2nd) would be Friendly Friday, and announced to the rest of us that insults and rude behaviour were banned for the day.

This wasn’t the first time we’d tried this sort of thing; we’d tried Pidgin English Friday a month before but by noon those of us who aren’t fluent in it were forced to sit mutely at our desks.

After further discussion of the Rules and Regulations of Friendly Friday we agreed to include sarcasm, rude facial expressions and negative remarks to the list of unacceptable behaviour. Whoever ended the day with the highest number of transgressions was to pay for breakfast for everyone on Monday.

“No sarcasm?” I asked “Then I have nothing to say.”

I decided I would spend the rest of the day with my earphones plugged into my ears; better to spend the afternoon with Kanye West and Junior Gong than risk being booked and forced to feed some hungry buggers on Monday.

Later that morning I went upstairs briefly and by the time I returned to my desk, the rest of the team had ordered sandwiches for themselves, and none for me.

“Hey! Hey! What’s the meaning of this?” I barked.

They all looked up at me with raised eyebrows.

“I mean, guys, I’m hurt and offended that you left me out”

“That wasn’t hard, was it? Don’t you feel better?” E asked

“That’s sarcastic” I said. “Book him.”

Y eagerly wrote E’s name down - “You’re the first person on the list!” - while E protested vigorously.

About an hour later, at some point in conversation Big E made a comment that cast some doubt on his sexual orientation and we all laughed as he tried to wriggle his way out of it.

“Well that explains the shirt” I joked about his baby pink T shirt.

“That’s a negative statement” Big E said, “She’s implying that I’m something I’m not. It’s slanderous. Book her.”

“It’s a statement of fact my friend. Aren’t you wearing a pink shirt?”

“And what’s wrong with wearing a pink shirt?”

“Did I say there was anything wrong with wearing a pink shirt?”

“It’s not what you said; it’s how you said it”

“You’ve twisted this whole thing, gerrout”

“I’ve booked you twice!” Y cheerfully informed me.

I didn’t go up to the cafeteria for lunch with the others but later heard that E had gone ballistic, complaining about some presentation he had to prepare - a complaint that was heavily sprinkled with swear words. When he was reminded that he would end up having to pay for our breakfast he spat “I’ll buy the f*cking breakfast” and continued swearing. Everyone was aghast.

By late afternoon E was clearly in the lead. Big E had been booked for making rude faces, something he is very skilled at doing. I was booked for several sarcastic remarks and even Y who was busy booking everyone was forced to book himself when he said something about lawyers being useless. (Negative comment, book him)

D did not appear on the list at all - she was quietly doing her thang, laughing at the rest of us.

Around 4 o’clock I got an email from a colleague that really ticked me off. The Excel sheet wasn’t properly formatted and it meant a lot of extra work for me.

“This is bullshit” I said to myself

“Book her!” Y yelled from his corner of the room.

I turned to face him. “What’s wrong with you, I was talking to myself, and I was talking about the template.”

“Book her again; did you see the expression on her face?”

“Ah ah!” I protested

“You said bullshit. That’s a swear word, it’s rude, so book her” Big E handed Y a pen in case he couldn’t find one to write my name with.

“It’s a bullshitemplate, that’s what it’s called; a Business Utility Long Life Sales Hourly Input Template…” We all laughed as I struggled to come up with an excuse.

“You’ve been booked the highest number of times” Y informed me as he scribbled away. “So you’re buying breakfast for everyone next week.”

I had no idea that Y was lying - E was actually the greatest offender.

At that point I thought what the heck…

“In that case, since it’s decided that I’m buying breakfast I can tell all of you what I think of you” I pointed at them one by one. “Big E you’re stupid, E you’re an idiot, you over there, booking everybody, you’re mad.”

They decided to book me for aggression, rudeness, insulting behaviour, negative remarks and a hostile tone. (One point each.) Y eventually ran out of space to write my name.

Big E suggested I attend counselling for my anger issues, which raised some more bookable offences; anger management issues, one point. Lack of self restraint, another point. It was hilarious!

At the end of the day, E’s lunchtime outburst was judged to be worse than mine so on Monday he paid for sandwiches for everyone.

On Wednesday we decided to give it another try. This time Y was power drunk; booking everything that breathed, yet his own name did not appear on the list at all even when he clearly offended.

Big E complained about the unfairness of it all and asked Y to step down as scribe, but Y held on to the list and announced that he would have to be impeached to be removed. When we moved for impeachment he declared that, like Etteh, he could not be removed. The guys argued and argued and eventually E grabbed the list and tore it to shreds.

And that, I think, is the end of Friendly Friday.